Humor: Pets as coworkers

Most of us working from home complain about loneliness and contemplate getting an animal companion. Yet anyone with pets will tell you they often behave like bad coworkers. Which begs the question: which pet would make the best workmate?

Rabbit

Always with a coffee in hand, Rabbit is perky and energetic. With a supreme passion for the company (which he views as his family), the fluffy creature is often seen hopping from one task to the next. Don’t let Rabbit’s keen ears hear you complain about boredom because you will get roped into doing an assignment faster than Rabbit procreates.

Horse

Horse is the most hated animal in the office. She’s standoffish and only willing to associate with those she sees as higher status. She flounces about the workspace, putting on a perfect show when the bosses are watching and judging. Yet the moment she can, she will sabotage you because she’s secretly scared of someone stealing her thunder and putting her to pasture.

Cat

Cat is popular and will never let you forget it. She doesn’t have to work with you. She could be outside surrounded by adoring fans. Screw company-mandated arrival times. Nobody tells Cat what to do. And no one, certainly not you, tells Cat when that report is due.

Fish

I hate to say it, but this is that coworker who you could replace tomorrow and not even notice. The office needed a “warm” body, someone to do the most basic data input. However, Fish constantly forgets instructions, causing you to lose precious time while you tell her, “Stop staring blankly at the computer and do something.”

Lizard

Honestly? You forget that Lizard is even there half the time. He is most often seen sleeping at his favorite desk in the best-lit area of the office. You suspect there might be family connections involved in his hiring. Otherwise, you do not understand why anyone would keep this lazy reptile around.

Parrot

Guess who just listened to an inspirational podcast? Parrot! Guess who is going to reiterate that information almost verbatim, whether you want to hear it or not? Parrot! Not one original idea comes from this intelligent pet who is too scared of messing up to put themselves out there. You know they could achieve so much more if they tried, yet Parrot will forever be a puppet to gurus with convincing speeches.

Tortoise

Tortoise spends all day getting the most work done while grinding his beak. He knows he’s the butt of every joke, and he accepts it. Little do they know that the startup he’s been working diligently on for the last 5 years has finally turned a profit, and he will quit this painful job very soon. The only reason Tortoise is still here is because he needs health insurance for the family. He’s their rock and won’t put their happiness at risk for his own. You will miss Tortoise when he is gone.

Dog

Dog is very helpful but also way too needy. Dog’s entire self-worth depends on being complimented, or else he feels like he’s done something wrong. Then you get to spend 30 minutes reassuring your anxious coworker rather than the two minutes it would have taken to give a quick pat on the head for a job well done. On the bright side, you can tell Dog anything and be sure that your secrets will be safe.

Snake

Snake slithers around the office, waiting for the moment he can steal all your work and pass it off as his own. Snake can’t help it, he’s just not made to type long reports. He’d rather be stirring up trouble.

Frog

You can hear every slurp and crunch across the room as he eats at his desk. He’s a hard worker, sitting at his desk for hours. Yet the weird noises he makes with his mouth and tongue make you want to scream. Thank goodness God invented noise-canceling headphones.

Rat

Rat is used to having to prove herself. She wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her mouth and doesn’t have the looks to wow at interviews. Her cleverness is how she’s achieved so much in her short career. When you encounter a maze-like problem with no easy answer, the first person you think to ask is Rat.