Hey, you judgmental losers. For years, I’ve put up with your inane whining. It’s all, “Here comes candy corn. Ew!” Well, the joke’s on you, losers. Whether you will admit it or not, I’m fantastic.
First of all, have you seen my layers? Autumn in a candy shell, baby! There is no need for flashy trimmings like a tarted-up Halloween-themed KitKat Bar to get attention. My look is unique and wholly original. If I put any Mars candy bar in front of you outside of its package, would you be able to pick your favorite? NO! You’d mistake the Snickers for Musketeers. Why?
Because they’re hacks! Lemmings following a trend. Boring nougat dipped in imitation chocolate. Those gilded sweets have a brand reputation based on the nostalgia of receiving full-sized bars in the affluent neighborhoods you can only dream of inhabiting. Tell me, why do you need a full-size bar? Because a regular Snicker knows it’s not enough to satisfy you. Talk about false advertising.
Speaking of falsehoods, how dare any of you insinuate I have the consistency of paste?
It’s a pleasure, nay, a privilege, to put me in your mouth. When did anyone get to dictate what the texture of candy would be? One hundred years ago, kids were scarfing down pickled limes. Pickled limes! I read about it in Little Women. Yeah, I read. I am not only delicious but also curious, unlike my critics.
Oh, I get it. I’m not putting myself out there like pumpkin spice. You know it’s three spices you can have any time of year, right? Let’s be clear: I am no mere marketing ploy. I’m CANDY CORN. I’ve been around 100 years through word of mouth only. Unchanged and unbroken. Most of my competitors? They’re gone now. And in one hundred years, I’ll still be here when your grandkids ask in October, “What’s a pumpkin spice latte?”
So take your ill-informed opinions and shove them in your trick-or-treat bag. Enjoy the clickbait headlines where you try to elicit a negative response to your stupidity. My fans and I will just be here, enjoying life, living rent-free in your mind for one month a year.
Writing dumb things to make you laugh
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