‘My baby is turning one (or two, or three, or four) in a couple of weeks. I’m planning the party and deciding what kind of cake to make. Do you think it’s okay to let him have some cake?’
This is the kind of question that pops up almost every day in online parenting forums.
It’s also the kind of question that makes me, personally, want to scream.
I try very, very hard not to judge other people’s parenting. Kids don’t come with a manual.
Parenting isn’t a competition!
Navigating parenthood, and particularly early parenthood, can be tricky, and I really do believe that we’re all doing the best we can.
But perhaps it’s that word – best – that’s causing all the problems.
Because, as far as I can tell, there are a lot of parents out there who think parenting is a competition, and the only way to come out on top is to do it perfectly.
What’s considered a “perfect” parent might vary from person to person, but I’ve generally noticed it looking something like this: perfect parents practice “gentle parenting.”
They restrict screen time until the age of two (and sometimes later). They don’t let their kids eat processed foods. And they are absolutely not, under any circumstances, giving their babies sugar.
That’s not to say that none of those edicts are beneficial to kids. They’re probably all pretty reasonable guidelines when taken with a grain of salt and applied in moderation.
It’s one thing to want to limit your kid’s sugar intake. I personally don’t – in fact, I think there’s nothing more fun than sharing a chocolate croissant with my toddlers – but you do you.
There’s no prize for sticking to your guns
It’s quite another thing, though, to engage in the kind of all-or-nothing parenting that doesn’t leave any room for exceptions.
Like, for example, a slice of cake at a birthday party.
I’ve seen plenty of friends fall for the trap of thinking that parenting is a game you can lose.
But being a mom is not like learning a language on Duolingo – you don’t have to go back to the beginning if you miss a single day of your “streak”.
There’s no prize on your child’s 18th birthday for sticking to your guns.
Let me assure you from personal experience – being flexible, even with your rules, makes parenting significantly more enjoyable for everyone, including your kids.
It’s okay to be a parent who mostly restricts screens, but sometimes lets your kids watch “Moana.”
It’s okay to believe in family mealtimes, but sometimes let your kids eat plain pasta on the floor.
It’s okay to be a parent who prefers your kids to eat whole foods but enjoys letting them have some cake as a treat.
Society already puts pressure on women to be “perfect” parents – there’s no need to impose those expectations on ourselves.
By giving ourselves, and our kids, grace, we don’t “ruin” anything – in fact, we teach them an important lesson about flexibility.
I proudly, and happily, let my kids eat as much cake as they want on their birthdays (and at other kids’ birthday parties too – I mean, live a little).
It’s fun, they love it, and cake is delicious.
As Marie Antoinette famously said (and I’m 99% sure she was referring to toddler birthday parties): For the love of God, let them eat cake.
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