10 Hilarious Tips New Moms Should Know

Ahh, parenthood — Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride to a life full of exhaustion, snuggles, explosive joy, a plethora of bodily fluids, and SO MANY wipes. If only there was some kind of instruction manual you get when you leave the hospital to get you started. But there isn’t. So, I’m over-sharing 10 of my own strange discoveries as a new mom, written after lots of wine, in case you need a laugh while breastfeeding or crying alone on the toilet.

1. Welcome to Motherhood!

We’re so glad you’re here – not just because misery loves company, although it totally does, but because we’re always on the hunt for normal people for play dates. For the first few days after birth, this all may not seem real, and that’s expected. I think it’s your body’s way of making you forget about everything, so you have more babies. Just try to remember, you are the real parent and no other parents are coming to pick up your baby, even though you might secretly wish they would. You should also know you can’t return the baby like an adopted pet that you’re all of a sudden “allergic” to.

2. Sleep Deprivation Is a Form of Torture

You’ll quickly discover that it’s totally possible to fall asleep while walking. Coupled with trying to keep a baby alive and clean while you’re wearing undies made out of a hairnet, you might question your choice to be a parent at all. You might even think you’re terrible at it. And you probably are, but that’s OK. This is trial by fire, so cut yourself some slack as you get the hand of it. The good new is…

3. The Memory Gap

You have to fail before you can succeed, and luckily, our bodies implicitly know this. That’s why babies are notoriously forgiving, and kids don’t really start forming lasting explicit memories until they’re about four to six years old. So, you have some time to get it together.

4. Post-Birth Surprise Party

I hate to bring this next part up but, if you had a vaginal birth, you’re in for a bit of a surprise. Your body performed a miracle, and what’s left looks a little like the aftermath of Coachella. At this stage, my lady parts looked like a Picasso painting, with two misplaced lips, and one eyeball keeping a lookout for intruders. Having sex for the first time after birth felt more like the rescue of a trapped Chilean miner. But somehow it all worked out and everything eventually healed, although a few things were left just a little darker, longer, and wiser. The good news is, you’re allowed to wear your maternity clothes for as long as you want. I wore mine for three years straight.

5. SOS from Down Below

Which brings me to the pelvic floor, an ignored muscle that holds up some really important organs. In fact, if it’s too weak after birth, those organs can tumble like a Jenga tower and fall out of your vagina. And I thought Kegels were just for fun. Nope. Get help with this STAT.

6. Baby Poop is Your Friend

You might not think so now, as your changing what feels like 73 diapers a day, but let me tell you, newborn poop is adorable. It’s like the tiny turd of a teacup poodle. Just wait until your child is two and a half, eating solids, and takes up the entire length of the changing table. You’ll feel like you’re changing the diaper of a forty-six year old. So dab a little of that meconium joy on your neck and wrists and enjoy this moment.

7. Babies Are Yummy

You know what else is adorable? Your baby. So cute, in fact, you might want to eat it. Not in a cannibal kind of way, more like you’ll wish there were a fuzzy-baby-head-smell ice cream flavor. Our bodies release pheromones to help you bond with and love your baby so much that you won’t fantasize about putting it in a basket and leaving it on your more capable neighbor’s doorstep – at least until they’re toddlers, anyway.

8. Toddler Tip

Speaking of when they become toddlers, did you know it’s easier to train a dog than a child? Knowing that small fact will save you years of frustration wondering how you can repeat “Your private parts are private,” and “Get your head out of the toilet” on a daily basis for several years, yet all they remember is every single word from Frozen, and how you said something bad about grandma four months ago.

9. Babies Are Magic

Babies are magical creatures who will do so many impressive things in just a few short years that you’ll wonder if they’re geniuses. They’re not. Because if they were, they would prefer playing with your expensive Montessori toys instead of putting your husband’s boxers on their heads. And they definitely wouldn’t believe all the lies you tell them, like “Sorry, my ice cream is too spicy for you,” and “No, that animal on the road isn’t dead, it’s just sleeping.”

10. Other Moms Mean Well – They Really Do

Moms with older kids will constantly tell you, “Enjoy it, it goes by fast!” And you will want to punch them in the face because sometimes it feels like the slowest, hardest, and most exhausting time of your life. But they mean well, and what they’re trying to say is, “I wish I took more time standing still, not rushing, worrying, overthinking, fearing, trying, learning, escaping, crying, and found one moment of pure joy with my innocent babe each day to stand still in, because it gets louder and more chaotic fast.” And they’re right. So do the best that you can, and get whatever support and self-care you need to remember the tiny beautiful moments, kisses, snuggles, mispronounced words, and giggles more than everything else. Because that’s what this wild ride is really all about.